I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
