don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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