sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
