It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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