I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
