I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
