my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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