Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
