I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
