Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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