Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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