I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
