Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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