I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
