I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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