dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
