I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
