the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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