my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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