Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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