Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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