I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
