I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
