i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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