She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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