Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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