I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
