I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
