I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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