I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
