I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I believe in your delicious
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
