i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
