I met the friendliest cop last night
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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