my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
