I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
