Your face is a jimmy john
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
