You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
