well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need to sanitize my soul.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
