he thought i was a dude.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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