Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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