I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just had sex bonerless
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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