grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
