My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
