i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
