I think my vagina is haunted
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
