Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
