I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
