if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
