Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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