cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
